Snog Monologues
by Passionate Trousers
Summary: Just a crazy bit of... something. Featuring a clarinet player at Sleezy's lots of D/G snoggin, Idiot!Ron, and more...


HP: Dude, Malfoy is screwing your sister   
RW: Whazzat?   
HP: *slowly* Malfoy. Is. Screwing. Your. Sister.   
RW: My sister?   
HP: *rolls eyes* Yeah, Ginny, remember her?   
RW: What about her?   
HP: *hits Ron upside the head* SHE'S SLEEPING WITH MALFOY!   
RW: WHAT? *turns red* Ginny and... Malfoy? It's the Imperious Curse, I tell you. IMPERIOUS! No way would she sleep with Malfoy of her own free will...   
HP: Yes, well... She's still sleeping with him...   
RW: *wimpers* Ew. Mental images I did NOT need...   
  
*later*   
  
RW: MALFOY! Get your bloody hands of my sister!   
GW: Ron! It's not your bloody business.   
RW: Listen to yourself, Gin. You're under the Imperious Curse, this slimeball...   
GW: RONALD! *annoyed* And I'm not under any curse. Don't call him a slimeball either.   
RW: These words aren't yours Gin. *looks concerned* Come with me, I'll save you.   
GW: *even more annoyed* Gerroff, Ron. I'm staying with Draco.   
RW: Draco? Since when do you call him 'Draco'?   
DM: Since she started screaming it...   
  
*later*   
  
RW: You're under a curse! A CURSE!   
DM: Lord, Weasel, give it a rest. Get over yourse...   
LM: DRACO! What the hell do you think your doing?   
DM: Nothing...   
LM: Okay. *takes deep breath in attempts to control temper* Who do you think you're doing?   
DM: *points* Her.   
RW: That's my sister!   
LM: *to Ron* No sh!t, Sherlock. Bloody Weasley red hair...   
  
*later*   
  
LM: *to Draco* See what you think when I kill her...   
RW: *to Ginny* See what you think when I kill him...   
DM & GW: *start going at it*   
LM & RW: Oh, God. That is just sick...   
  
---------------  
  
GW: You, Ronald Weasley, have no right to tell me what to do. I am my own person, and I'm not eleven any more!   
RW: You're my sister, I know what's best for you.   
DM: This coming from Ronald McDonald, Prince of Bad Choises and cluelessness.   
  
----------------  
  
GW: *smirking* Maybe we should do that more often.   
DM: Do what? Go at it like a couple of rabbits around our family members?   
GW: ... Okay. But I was thinking more along the lines of going at it with an audience.   
DM: Exhibitionist.   
GW: *smirks* Say, like... the Gryffindor common room?   
DM: What's next? Whips, chains, handcuffs? Shagging on every House table in the Great Hall?   
GW: *trying to kiss him* Draco?   
DM: Hmmm?   
GW: Less talk, more tongue.   
  
-----------------  
  
Ginny led Draco by the hand, making their way towards the Head Table.   
  
Draco: Ginny, don't you think this is going a bit far? I'm all for the rebel thing, and watching that Hufflepuff mudblood was a delight, really, but Ginny, my father's already planning my murder, there's no need to--   
  
But Ginny was already pushing Professors out of the way, and the way she took control was such a turn-on...   
  
Ginny: Come on...   
  
She reaches for the clasp of his robes, something she's gotten quite talented at doing.   
  
They go at it on the table.   
  
McGonagall: Dumbledore, aren't you going to do something?   
  
Severus: Yes, one of their shoes has just landed in my breakfast.   
  
Sprout: Would you look at that...   
  
Madame Hooch: I haven't seen something like that since we watched Poppy's videos...   
  
Vector, Severus, and Sinistra share disgusted looks.   
  
Dumbledore: I think it's rather interesting. Let them carry on.   
  
  
----------------  
  
SS: But a shoe landed in my breakfast.   
AD: *waves hand dismisively* Shoe, shmoe. This spectacle puts Poppy's video's to shame.   
SS: *tilts head* You know, when you watch them from this angle, they highly resemble melting ice cream...   
  
Er, yes... Moving on:   
  
HP: Dude. Malfoy's screwing your sister. On the Hufflepuff table.   
RW: Whazzat?   
HP: *rolls eyes* Here we go again. *slowly* Malfoy. Is. Screwing. Your. Sister. On. The. Hufflepuff. Table.   
RW: Mmm... Ice cream...  
  
-------------------  
  
  
RW: Wait, that's not ice cream, that's my sister and Malfoy! ((Portion of Ron's dialogue deleted because I think there's a language filter on this board and I don't want the mods to hurt me...))   
  
HP: And now they're going up toward towards the--the Head Table...   
  
RW: ::watching transfixed in horror:: Oh, God--Ginny's shoe just landed in Snape's breakfast...why isn't Dumbledore stopping them? Why isn't bloody *anybody* stopping them?   
  
::looks around wildly at faces of students in Great Hall. they are all watching transfixedly as well--some prefects are covering the eyes of the first years::  
  
-----------------  
  
RW: *marches, red faced, upto the head table, where Draco's sock has recently made its way onto Vector's head* Professor! Why aren't you doing anything?   
  
AD: Because Poppy doesn't have stuff like this in her video collection... *stares, wideeyed at Draco and Ginny*   
  
RW: *looks disgusted* Ew, that is gross...   
  
SS: *sarcastically* No kidding, Ronald McDonald.   
  
RW: *confused* Ronald McDonald?   
  
HG: *pops up out of nowhere* *bookish voice* Ronald McDonald: Fictional mascot of the Muggle fastfood chain, McDonald's. A rather tall clown with flamming red hair and bright yellow clothing.   
  
RW: *to Snape* A clown? You think I look like a clown?   
  
SS: If we're being nice here, then, yes, clown covers it.   
  
RH: Whoooo! Look at 'em! I have seen action this good since I watched the cenaturs mate...   
  
RW: THAT'S MY SISTER! And... and... MALFOY!   
  
SS: Very observant, Mister Weasley. Have you also noted the fact that your sister's shoe is in my breakfast!?!   
  
AD: Oh, can it, Severus. The house elves will take care of it...   
  
HG: Slavery! Imprisionment! Elves have rights too!   
  
SS: Oh, good one, Albus. Now look what you've done. You've got her going on that SPEW junk again.   
  
HG: It's not "spew." It's S-P-E-W.  
  
-----------  
  
HG: That's right, just let the house elves take care of it! Let's all just throw our shoes in each other's breafast, because the house elves certainly won't mind removing them and returning them to their rightful owners---   
  
::At this, shoes fill the air as everyone follows Hermione's sarcastic suggestion and throw their shoes at one another. Several hit Snape. Breakfast splatters all over the staff, at which most of the shoes were directed. Ginny and Draco are still oblivious to all this.::   
  
SS: (who now has a good amount of food in his hair) Detention, Miss Granger. And, detention to Potter, and to you, also, Weasley.   
  
RW: Me, or my sister?   
  
SS: I meant you--although I think I'll give detention to those two :oints to Draco and Ginny:: whenever they stop...which, hopefully, will be soon...::shudders:: Why, Mr. Weasley--are you only answering to Ronald McDonald, now?   
  
RW: ::sulks::  
  
----------  
  
At detention   
  
SS: They just won't stop going at it. *sighes then sneaks another peak*   
  
RW: Ice cream......   
  
HG: Ron, you dimwit they don't look like ice cream, they look like an enslaved house elf with no rights....*continues in that vien*   
  
HP: *looks confused* I though we were supposed to do detention not each other.   
  
SS: Yes, young Potter you were, but appearently Mr. and the future Mrs.Malfoy are gracing us with a full hands on lesson of the "Birds and the Bees"   
  
RW: Hey, i see a monster! with two heads!   
  
HG:*still rambling about S.P.E.W.*   
  
HP: Those moves look really familiar.......*Glances at Snape suspiciously*   
  
HP: I think i saw in the Sleezy Weasel once. Performed by the claranet player. *Eyes widen in fright*   
  
SS: Um, I don't know what your talking about Potter. *turns beet red* And shut up! your misseng my trademark, I mean The claranet player's trademark move!   
  
RW: Ice Cream......  
  
-----------  
  
HP: That... was... you?   
  
SS: No. It wasn't me. I am far too refined--   
  
HP: Aunt Petunia said that whoever was doing it was 'damned sexy' and that she wouldn't mind shagging them...   
  
SS: *raises eyebrow in interest* Did she really, now?   
  
Draco and Ginny roll over the table, making it shake madly*   
  
AD: Why, the table hasn't shook this hard since Minerva and I--   
  
MM: What are you talking about? We never--   
  
AD: Really? Then who was it? *watches Draco and Ginny* Whoever it was, they didn't use that move-- hey, I thought only the clarinet player at Sleezy's did that!!   
  
HG: NO! It was the House Elves who started it! The clarinet player just stole it!   
  
SS: Whatever are you talking about? That clarinet player--   
  
Draco and Ginny are the only ones not suddenly interested in the clarinet player at Sleezy's.   
  
RW: I want a McFlurry...   
  
HG: No, he didn't-- it states clearly in Hogwarts, A History, that that very move was a result of the House Elf Liberation in 1973.   
  
HP: It says all that in... Hogwarts, A History?   
  
HG: I told you you should read it.   
  
MM: Albus, you really need to monitor your library more closely. Look at what the children are reading!   
  
MPince: Minerva, I watch that library like an eagle eye, and I know exactly what goes into it--   
  
AD: Yes, I gave her free reign. She insisted that it be kept, because she found it rather... pleasurable...   
  
Professors Vector and Sinistra are starting to look terrified.   
  
PF: Yes! It's wonderful! It also mentions how once, at band camp...   
  
AD: Ooh... oh, Severus, my man, I think they're going way past the House Elves now   
  
SS: It's MY move I tell you, MINE! *eyes glitter maniacally*   
  
PS: Oh... OH... I wonder if that's legal?   
  
HG: It is. The goblins invented it in 1942. It says so in Hogwarts, A History.   
  
-----------------  
  
Gryffindor Common Room   
  
DT: Cripes, have they stopped going at it yet?   
SF: *uncovering eyes* Ew. No.   
LB: Bloody sick-making I'll tell you. *stares* Don't they even breathe?   
HP: As far as we can tell, no.   
RW: Ice cream...   
HG: *rolls eyes, then resusmes staring* Oh my God, I didn't even think that was physically possible.   
LB: *snickers* Looks like fun.   
HG: You're a sick pervert.   
LB: *shrugging* Takes one to know one.   
HP: Why aren't they doing this in the Slytherin common room?   
DM: Because we wanted to.   
GW: *trying to catch her breath* Yeah, we're going down to the dungeons as soon as we finish here.   
DM & GW: *start going at it again*   
LB: I vote for gillyweed.   
HG: Well, there is a charm...   
HP: Don't tell me. Hogwarts, a History or our Charms book, right?   
HG: McGongall.   
RW: *chokes*   
LB: I'm not even touching that one.   
HG: You people are sick. I overheard...   
RW & HP: Stop!   
SF: Yeah, we don't want to know.   
LB: You're becoming repetative, Hermione, and I'm still not touching that one.   
HG: *blushing and looking around* Who's covering the eyes of the first years?   
DT: They're covering their own eyes, if they know what's good for them.   
GW: So, darling... to the Slytherin common room?   
DM: Exhibitionist.   
  
-------------  
  
SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM   
  
VC: *looks dumb... er, normal for him* Whozzat wit Draco?   
GG: Some two cent floozy, 'robably.   
VC: Oooh... *is confused* Gregory, darling, what's a floozy.   
GG: Someone like Pansy.   
VC: Oooh...   
  
***   
  
PP: *screetching* What does she think she's doing!?!?! That's my man!   
GW: *out of breath* Pfft. That's why he's shagging me, right?   
DM & GW: *still going at it*   
MB: Ice cream...   
SS: *mumbling* They stole my clarinet move... *looks triumphant* But I'll always have the flute! *evil laugh*  
  
----------  
  
PP: I can do it better than she can! See, I'll show you!   
VC: *grunts*   
  
Pansy looks frantically for something to snog. She turns to Professor Snape.   
  
SS: You're not worthy of my flute. *sniffs disdainfully*   
GG: *grunts* Was... uh... that you?   
SS: It was no bloody House Elf, I can tell you that.   
  
---------  
  
GW: *stops going at it with Draco long enough to look disgusted at the thought of Snape and his flute*   
  
DM: Hey... Why're we stopping?   
  
GW: Snape... flutes... ew...   
  
DM: Aw, sugar, I can make all the bad things go away. Let me show you...   
  
DM & GW: *resume their regularly schedualed programme*   
  
SS: When will they stop?   
  
PF: When they've shagged it every available spot from here to Hogsmeade, I guess.   
  
SS: *realizes that D&G are gone* Hey, where'd they go?   
  
AD: *running from the dungeons* The Potions room!   
  
SS: *whimpers* My desk...   
  
*in Potions room*   
  
DM & GW: *I think you know what...*   
  
SS: *still whimpering* My desk...   
  
RW & MB: Ice cream...   
  
---------  
  
As GW and DM snog their brains out, the papers on SS's desk slip off. Minerva picks one of them up.   
  
MM: Severus? Is this... what I think it is?   
MP: *gasps* That's... that's...   
PS: HOUSE ELVES!   
AD: House Elf pornography, Severus? I thought that was above you.   
SS: *stutters* That--those aren't--This... has got... something... to do... with... POTTER!   
  
HP pops up out of nowhere.   
  
HP: Yes, pervy House Elf lover?   
SS: You... you...   
  
--------  
  
SS: I've been framed! Framed, I tell you!   
  
AD: You can't really be suggesting that Mr. Potter would lie, could you Severus?   
  
SS: *jumping up and down hysterically* He did! He did! I do not look at House Elf Pornography! I look at Mermaid pornography.   
  
HG: I will never look at The Little Mermaid the same way again...   
  
HP: It's not mine! I don't do porn!   
  
DM: *laughs* And you don't do girls either, eh, Potter?   
  
HP: *is flustered* No.. Yes... That is to say... Er, well...   
  
SS: Spit it out, Potter, I'm not getting any younger.   
  
AD: *had been looking at Snapes private Potion collection* No kidding, Severus. Is that why you have Wizard Viagra in your supply cupboard?   
----   
  
Disclaimer: Snape does NOT need Viagra, it just suited the plot. *listens to people say "Plot? There's a plot to this madness?"*  
  
---------------  
  
In Headmaster's Office   
  
AD:*walks in*Oh dear. I was wondering where those two had gotten too.*watches important irreplaceable papers get thrown and ripped*   
  
GW:*gets a hand free and waves*   
  
SS: I back from the death eater meeting! we didn't do much. we just sorta sat in Lucius's library complaining about how the world doesn't take us seriuosly then we talked about how Voldie's nails are always bitten! God that is soooooo annoying. Then we had milk and cookies and went home. *sees D+G* ooooo, another show? goodie!   
  
MG: Albus is Sevvie back yet? oh good lord! They at it again?   
  
DM+GW:*Holds up sign: Rate our performance on a scale of one to ten*   
  
AD: oh my, that is a tough one! what do you think Poppy?   
  
PP: *who just walked in* umm.........*stares*   
  
MG: Poppy? are you all right?   
  
PP: um.........   
  
SS: um.........   
  
AD: *looks outside the window * oh dearie me!! Death Eaters outside the window!!   
  
DE: *frozen in mid air watching DM+GW*   
  
DE: Wow this even better then the clarainet player down in the Sleezy Weasel!   
  
SS: NUH-UH!!! THE CLARAINET PLAYER'S MOVES ARE WAAAAAYYYY BETTER THAN THIS FREAK SHOW!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU!* looks around wildly for somone to shag*   
  
MG: Don't even think about it   
  
PP: Ha! you wish. My body is a temple.*flaunts her dumpy self*   
  
AD: Well i wouldn't really wouldn't mind but you didn't take your Viagra today.....  
  
-----------  
  
  
House Elf: Mr. Malfoy! Mister Malfoy! I think you misplaced your shoe! I found it in my--   
  
*eyes widen*   
  
House Elf: Oh, good Mr. Malfoy! Good and-- *good* Mr. Malfoy, you is better than Dotty has ever seen! You with that redhaired girl, you is-- I is having to show my husband this! I told him to try it, but he says he wants not to steal from the great Flute Player! I must show him! *scurries off*   
  
------------  
  
SS: HAH. See? House Elves know not to steal fromt he great Flute Player.   
  
HG: It's like I've been saying for years, house elves are intelligent, well meaning...   
  
DM: *rolls eyes* Can someone please shut her up?   
  
RW: *snorts* Good luck.   
  
DM: *narrows eyes* Are you mocking me, Ronald McDonald?   
  
RW: *pulls out wand* *curses various things in various levels of vulgarity*   
  
GW: Oh, Dracie! Less talk, more tounge. We have an audience again...   
  
Everyone Else: Exhibitionist.   
  
GW: *to DM* Well, you're apart of it, too, you know.   
  
DM: Only because you keep using those moves as the Clarinetist and Floutist from Sleezy's.   
  
SS: *points finger at GW* YOU! It was all you. You stole my- his moves!   
  
AD: You know, Severus, you seems to know a lot about this man from Sleezy's. *whispers* Can you get me his number?   
  
DM & GW: *snog passionately*   
  
RW: Ice cream....   
  
---------  
  
Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to JK Rowling, except for Sleezy's. I don't remember who claims that one, but it sure as hell ain't us.   
  
Lav's A/N: SNAPE DOES NOT NEED VIAGRA. He is a Sex God all his own. The idea simply suited the plot. Er, what little plot there actually is to this thing, anyway.  
  
Yes, we know there is no plot. No, we do not care. We had fun. So there. 


End file.
